I got up and made it to church. I still felt serious and was not my usual bouncy self. We didn't get there early enough to visit beforehand. I fixed me a cup of coffee and then realized church was going to start in less than a minute. (They have a countdown on the screen.) I want to be there for all of worship, so I placed my full cup in a trash outside of the sanctuary and went on in. Jake came on in when Daniel started.
I sat next to and talked brief to Erin, my expert knitter friend. She was actually knitting a sock in service and I never noticed her doing it--she was that unobtrusive. I talked to Aubrei about our lunch plans later in the week and then found Diane. She wanted to go to City Central and have coffee and continue our conversation.
We sat there for about half an hour continuing our conversation from Friday evening. I did want to go home and watch the Cowboys, was not in a very sociable mood, so that is about all I talked to. I usually want to stay and visit, visit, visit, but not today.
We got home and only missed the first scoring drive and ate leftovers for lunch. I was still quiet all day, but I finally told Jake about my appointment with Tom tomorrow. (Yes, it's been about our marriage.) By the end, I was much more hopeful. You see, our issues stem from communication problems. We grew up in homes where communication was dysfunctional in different ways. We have had to work through a lot of passive aggressiveness and narcissistic-type relating. (I'm saying "we," but the issues are not always similar and the same amount between the two of us.)
We have come a long, long way. In the early days it was very abusive in subtle ways that I did not recognize. It's taken quite a few years of very hard work to change behavior. I have had to learn to recognize what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable, become much stronger, set boundaries, become more honest, let go of control, own up to my stuff and take responsibility. Much of my year in Al-Anon was learning these skills and addressing these issues. I really did not think we would make it that year.
I decided today to bring this more out in the open so that it might help someone one day. I'm believing for an amazing testimony one day.
I was noticing warning signs in the last few months that it was time to face this and do more work. I think it is customary for the wife to be the more proactive one to work on marriage issues, though that is not always the issue. But it is here. Just out of absolute misery and some pushing from God, I became much more proactive. But then I go passive again in our marriage and remain so for quite a while. Or maybe it is just time to take a break and "rest a while."
I realized a couple of weeks ago that the binging is connected to this. It is almost always (or another problem relationship, if there is one). I also started shutting down emotionally. We had a conversation on the day of our anniversary that left me feeling very discouraged. But after tonight, I think the problem is more in learning to communicate the right way rather than heart issues.
Well, I admit I deal with heart issues sometimes. Marriage has just been a very difficult thing for two people who knew nothing about how to make a relationship work. I have wanted to bail multiple times. I was too timid and too much of a people pleaser. It also lead me to become very resentful because there was nowhere for those emotions to go. Jake just wanted what he wanted, and it's typically much easier for a man to think everything is just fine even if the house is burning down. (Well, that is as long as he has his food, TV and sex.:/)
It appears my quietness and hours of prayer met with success. I had been praying for direction and the next step. But Jake was ready to really talk tonight, and actually asked me specifically what the real issues were. He says he is ready to go to work, too. One boundary of mine is that it has to include someone else helping us. We cannot do this by ourselves.
So I am going to talk to Tom tomorrow and see about mapping out a plan. I don't know what he will suggest. Then either both of us can the next meeting or just Jake.
Our biggest communication problems are spiritual ones. I am believing that God will bring us to a place of spiritual oneness and we can serve God together. By that, I don't mean that we always do ministry together, but that our hearts are open and together in purpose.
I'm learning to take these things one day at a time. I don't plan on mapping out a schedule to do homework everyday necessarily, but just the heart to stay at it. I mostly want to see both of us become everything God wants us to become. Secondly, that our marriage becomes what it was meant to become.
This journey has been long. I have experienced long years of emotional shutdown, denial, depression, mixed in with some okay years. Then came crises, some breakthroughs, returning to "peace," more crises, intensive pain and strength, journeys to hell and back, months of more peace. I am actually peaceful now and so much stronger. (I can only speak for myself.) Only Diane and Tom know most of the details.
I have been very hesitant to talk about it because when abuse is subtle, you think you are imagining things or going crazy or just having a bad attitude. It's very deceptive and hard to know what is true and not true. No one else ever sees it happening and many have a hard time believing you.
I have much hope and prayers for tomorrow. The timing seems pretty perfect (I had to wait a week).
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On a lighter note (or maybe just another note, lol):
I am hoping that maybe I can focus on weight loss really soon in spite of the holidays. I think I pretty much communicated everything I needed to communicate tonight, and I felt like Jake really heard me. That is quite an emotional release. But I'm not going to push weight loss too hard unless I can see that I'm ready. I go back to the doctor this week, and she may have a fit because I know I put on more weight the last three months. But I will just be honest.
I sort of believe that we all have areas in our lives where we return to our 3-year old emotional state. That is usually when I feel like a three-year-old: when I am overeating. In fact I feel that immature in most of my eating habits, and I think I would like to mature in that regard. So, time to grow up? A good resolution for 2018.
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The Appfolio was clicking more today! I think I may get this thing learned. Rick really appreciates it anyway. I'm hoping after the next tax season, I can take on some more accounts. I would take some before, like after the beginning of the year, if the accounts are not in horrible shape. Actually, I would love to have one pretty large one--that would be ideal if the client is the right type.
Ooh, it's late. I'm going to bed.